i never knew it would be so hard to live alone in a foreign country.
alone.
never felt so lonely in my entire life.
never.
even if im all alone back in singapore back in taiwan, i never felt so lonely.

i should be more appreciative when i have my family with me.
feel so depressed.
feel so sad
feel like i want to give up anytime but i cant
and after a big cry (alone) il still move on and continue with the heaps of work.

im weak in a sense that i just dont know, adapting to a new country a new environment a new place new people is so difficult and feel so lost.
im standing on a road so straight but still feels lost. no sense of belonging?
a totally foreign place.
im trying.
but i dont know... too weak to do it alone.
yea they say some search for adventures, go look at new places, go to the city, whatever.
but somehow, i just have no mood to do it. no one accompany me.
yea i know why am i so dependant on anyone, i should try it alone somehow. grow up. i dont know.
but yea i will somehow...soon... i hope.

il just have to get use to it.
although i am alrdy quite used to the familiar road to sch to some places in the city but still.
it is still foreign.

sometimes i have this urge to call my housemate?
and ask where is she and ask if she is home or smth.
but that is too much.
who am i to interfere her life. why bother other people.
im just her housemate.
but well, just two of us in the house.
i just feel like it would be better that way?
like a usual thing when you go home?
i ask if my mom is home whether my brother is home.
same thing.
make me feel familiar.
but yea. just what i think.... :(

i dont want to be bossy. she is almost a taiwanese who grew up in australia.
she have a different kind of mindset?
freedom maybe?
i dont know.
but she is nice.
there is still a boundary line between us.
a house owner and a housemate.
so... somehow...
i mean yea, you cant possibly ask her where is she what time is she going back home.
like she might think "what's wrong with her? i need to report to her?"
sort of thing. i dont mean it that way too.
she's got her friends. but somehow, i have only got her. :(
my friends are in sch. and some other places.
we are not too close either
and believe it or not, the closest for now is my housemate.
i mean one at a time, it's about making friends, trust, bonds,understandings? what do you think? im a friend-making machine?

i dont know.
i sort of get along well with the classmates now that i have been more familiar to them.
but still when you are back home.
you are just alone again.
i mean they have all known each other for a year or even more?
so, im still the new one.
somehow im alone.

just thinking maybe i wouldnt be in any groups even after i graduate.
but yea, im just thinking.

emotional for a moment and suddenly i will stop crying and go back to reality and start work.
im weird.

i hope i get better and better each day....
cant wait to go back and slp on my bed and be at HOME all day.
the sense of belonging is so important to me.
i dont know.
feel it so much now.

i miss you
everyday
make me feel like i still belong somewhere.
love.
;4/30/2010 05:24:00 pm