05may2010.
havent been updating.

recently have like this chunks of submissions due :(
essays, tech, and soon review of schematic design.
finally done with essays and tech.

i dont know.

sometimes, i think im useless in anyways.
some people are just talented and all.
not that im useless, but the span of my focus point is SOOOOOOOOOOOO low.
:(

im trying SUPER HARD to work hard.
i seriously hope i can.


07may2010.
time is passing so fast.
yea i know.
i contradict myself.
i said i was so slow and then think it's fast.
it's like a... you in "it" thing and too into "it" you feel out of "it"

i dont know, sometimes i will fall into a big cry in the room.
and suddenly stop and think what the hell am i crying.
but by the time, il alrdy have cried like for at least 15 minutes, just being stubborn and crying out loud.
cuz anyway to relieve stress...in a way.

just done review today.
felt like shit.
although i feel bad. but somehow. i knew.
i just cant talk about my ideas?
they say i didnt prove it with drawings and everything?

i need a rest. i dont know.
and i have to quit saying the word "i dont know" it is making me really tired.
CUZ I KNOW. I FREAKING KNOW, I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW.
i just need to sit and think.
SIT AND THINK. YES.

and start scribbling and whatever coming into the mind,do it.
i will freaking slap myself hard on the face, if another freaking "I DONT KNOW" comes out from my mouth.
CUZ AGAIN I FREAKING KNOW!

i just dun wan to use it as an excuse and overuse it.
ofcuz i did have times where i really dont know.
ASK!!!!! STUPID.

sometimes i feel fine, sometimes i feel like i wanna go home.
on and off, making me crazy.
what is wrong with me.
im just plain lazy maybe.

im so dependent.
i cant be independent?
why....WHY?
im alrdy here.....

but i just wanna go home now........
want to go so badly.
i want to call my brother and ask him what time is he going home :(
i wanna shout at aunty belen in the house and scream and laugh with her.
i wanna sleep with my mom.... just feel safe sleeping with her.
like when i have bad dreams, i feel safe when i see her with me....
i want my bed.

just dont care?
just leave me and soon, il get use to it and be fine after awhile.
i feel so weak when someone cares for me.
il want to tell them how bad i am now and start breaking down and crying out loud.
but nah.... i tell myself im fine.

gaining trust from friends is so hard.
well, i think it's alright but to maintain it and how people let you into their heart, is so hard.
although it's getting better but somehow, people forgets easily.
or maybe. im expecting too much.

just saw the freaking date for the exam.
24 JUNE 8am.

my birthday this year will be on the 28june.
*TAKE NOTE*

i really have to work hard.
just do it.
nothing is impossible.
dont expect too much....but still do your best.

somehow,it's all going to be okay.
and going home soon.
just alittle panicing about exams.
memorising buildings, writting about the different periods and we have to know about them?
damn :(

il have to do past papers and i must :(
15 june, i hand up everything and start mugging then.
i cant wait till last minute.
i have NINE DAYS to mug for history.
and 3 DAYS more to be back home.
im not sure what im going to do when im back but somehow, i just want to be back there....
i dun mind being home everyday or just sticking arnd with you.....
just want to be where im familiar with.

today i dropped off one bus stop after the one i usually drop and almost lost my way.
what an idiot. but yea, somehow i got my way back....
it's an opportunity to be more familiarised with the area arnd my place.
maybe i should start jogging around too. exercising.

it's been coldddddd...
i think i dont have enough clothes?
i have lesser winter clothes than i knew i had.
like i only have two really thick ones and still feel cold?
and i have only 2 jackets.
i need to shop for more winter clothes.
freezing early in the morning. :(

winter is never this bad...
thinking of spending winter without family feel so cold.

the house is so quiet.....
once in awhile it's nice. but if it is everyday.
i feel sick.
how can someone be able to live like that....
yea i can if im in a more familiar place.
but im not very familiar with the place and not much friends and stuffs.

yea i like it here sometimes, but always felt that it would be better with someone more familiar.

the other day while trying to rush work, i missed my direct bus home and the usual bus that i would take if i miss my direct bus.
so i missed all the buses and have to go way around to another bus stop to take a bus to the city.
i should really learn to be independent, but yea i was tearing. feeling so lonely.
when you called i almost want to break down and cry but i didnt. thanks to agus who accompanied me to the bus stop.

but while waiting for bus, i couldnt help it... felt so sad. :(
how i wish a friend would be here for me, but yea, have to mention that wenny is a really nice girl, she picked up my call cuz i didnt know if the bus is going to drop at the place where i have to get down to change bus.

lucky i do have really some nice people around me...
just cant let anyone down.
have to really work hard. :(

positive thinking i suppose.............

loves.
;5/05/2010 03:23:00 pm